Meaning does not come from what we do. Purpose is not created through what we leave behind. These arise when in full awareness of the present moment there is a complete sensory experience that is rich, deep and fulfilling. 

Is it possible to heal mental health fully? To no longer live in depression and feel fully joyful? Yes and there are many paths to how it may happen for you. The truth for me was to learn that to heal is to take full responsibility for your mind, choice of thoughts, continually be in full acceptance of your emotional state and surrender to something bigger than you. 

One Path to a New Vision

Depression is the loss of interest in things you may once have cared about, this is like an apathy for living. You may do this through aversion to pain and the ‘happy New Age good vibes’ or addiction to pain dwelling. Either way, management with any drugs means you have not mastered control of your mind. 

On my path of healing, I found myself in the opportunity to take ayahuasca, the plant medicine which is a powerful psychedelic. I do not recommend it to others lightly. This is a powerful journey and psychedelics may reveal the demons within you, which can be something that you cannot return to this world from. 

I was blessed with visions of the delight of being in form, and a human body. Preparation and integration are vital to these experiences. 

THE HOLE

The metaphysical meaning of mental health issues including a brain injury, depression and anxiety is the lack of living a life aligned with your true inner self, that you are not following your intuition or a need to awaken your spiritual self.

I began experiencing depression when I was 7-8 years old. I always wanted to leave my life and developed a strong painkiller relationship. At 15 my last overdose attempt was when my family finally became aware of my hidden issue: I stopped. To replace the hole, I felt I discovered that I could work 16-20 hour days and hardly ever slept. From then on I redirected my depression into an addiction: workaholism. I often joked that I had lost my soul as a lawyer, but it was truly long before I was ever a lawyer that I had lost my spiritual connection.

My reaction to my injury was to continue to push for work. I was worried I would become depressed again so I kept working too much during my recovery as my only known means of preventing depression – even my recovery was my ‘work’.  There were moments of 'wishing I wouldn't wake up', but it wasn't until three and a half year’s post-injury and my set-back that I realised I needed a deeper healing. I had resisted spiritual healing in the first two year’s post-injury as beyond my need.  But I knew that to fully heal I needed to change my patterns of how I approached and chose to live my life.

JUNGLE NIGHT

In my last week in Central America I took an overnight trip to the jungle with a girlfriend.  After a long drive, swimming in the mountain river and an evening ayahuasca ceremony to celebrate nature and all she brings I chose to sleep under the stars surrounded by trees, plants, candles and the earth.

Initially nothing happened. Then after a debate with my ego about why I was there, I took a second dose and surrendered to the psychedelic journey of no longer being in control of my body or mind.  

I felt my connection to the universe and all living things so pure - a form of atoms and interconnected consciousness that choose an experience in physical form.  All my lessons from meningitis, depression, anxiety, brain injury and travels came together.

I realised that I always chose to suffer - to feel pain and complicate life against my inner child of joy. I still dreamt of dying and leaving my body for a better place - what peace those dreams would bring. I had never left my life long depression but covered it up with work that produced anxiety issues. Depression leaves you with no fear of facing your darker demons, but they become your allies. You fear pleasure. Healers told me that I was not ready to feel pure unconditional love, but I could not understand why. My demons still owned me. I was afraid of my own power to create my life. I was afraid of being responsible for my own experience rather than blaming others, as a victim does. 

I knew I wanted to embrace the good things of joy, vitality, love and celebration but could I reincarnate Nid, and into what form?

My experiences during this time in Central America came together and had led me to feel my interconnected self to all the universe. Teaching in healing environments reminded me of how I have always loved the physical body and the way it reveals our inner psyche, and that I enjoy working with this to help others see themselves.  It reminded me that life is about play and an adventurous spirit of fun.

For me, the freedom to feel physical form and play with it is vital to pleasure in my life - explore how it can shape shift and sense itself, or other shapes around it. To feel textures and explore how they make me feel or interact with others. Physical form itself is so silly and strange, yet beautiful and inspiring.

I released my underlying apathy for life. I had discovered that innocence of a child-like wonder to play and enjoy every moment of life as a new experience. Refreshed and anew I understood how it all came together for me to go forward. How I had fully healed and could embrace my life.

‘PURPOSE’

I always felt the need to have a purpose to my life. To contribute something to humanity and the world for being given this life and opportunity: to make it count. To validate my existence so that it was not meaningless or just a use of my energy in this period of time. This was just my ego filling the hole of depression that I was never ‘enough’ and somehow needed to justify my existence.

As I felt the pure fun and joy of just witnessing the interconnectedness of all, I realised that my life’s purpose is simply to enjoy the physical experience.  Sensations of form, textures and shapes that shift and morph into other things.  To feel energy move through physical manifestations with innocence and pure joy. This is enough. To be in form as a human is enough. 

HOW TO WELCOME YOUR LIFE

Meaning does not come from what we do. Purpose is not created through what we leave behind. These arise when in full awareness of the present moment there is a complete sensory experience that is rich, deep and fulfilling. This is the true connection to being alive. Then life can live through your body and you are an expression of being lived. 

1. Practice being in the present moment - use one sensation to come into focus.
2. Accept all sensations as neutral - learn to remove the labels and control the mind. 
3. Become aware of how your life mirrors what your soul desires and use self-reflective practices to see repeated patterns of lessons you are to learn. This can be illnesses, relationships, jobs etc. 
4. How can you let go of your old patterns? Simply open yourself to a new way - you don’t know how, so just surrender to letting the answer find you. 

If a part of my story nudges your own into a new direction, connect with me for a free 30 minute consultation to see if my Luminous Life Program might support you. 

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If you need support with your mental health, please seek the professional support of a medical therapist in your area.