Each week discover something new about wellbeing, business or the use of alchemy to change your life with my blog posts. I share personal experiences and proven research with tips for you to try out.


Healing from a Lifetime of Depression

embody Jul 14, 2022


Recognise the signs of hidden depression with my personal story


I have shared much about my healing journey from my head injury, but my first reaction to my head injury was recurring depression. Several of my posts have shared aspects of depression, but it is time to dig deep, be raw and share more of this darker part of my life. I feel this is important because I meet many with 'hidden depression' yet there is awakening with this tale.


Why Am I Sharing My Story Now? 


A year ago I realised how significant my depression had been in my life. I knew that this was a significant shift in my ability to embrace self-love and what it means to have unconditional love for yourself. However, I could not explain to another how to face the demon of depression and was in fact still fearful of truly facing mine. 

Through inner work, facing fears and befriending my ego, I have revealed some of the layers behind my depression. I had buried my depression for many years hiding in workaholism.

The choice to leave England and embrace a life of less work removed the workaholic mask that hid my self-hate. I quickly realised that my 'work' was to embrace myself and work less!


The Fear of Being Happy

The basic and hardest thing to face when depressed is the fear of being happy. The ego has an immense grip on the mind, emotions and body - the feeling of losing happiness once gained is worse than just staying in a state of misery. You do not deserve to feel happy. You are not worth good things. Life is pointless and meaningless, and there’s nothing you can contribute or bring value to the world. 

Where do you start to get out of this? You are so lost and there is no way out. 

There is increasing evidence that mindfulness practices and mind-body movement help and support mental health issues*. There are amazing charities that support those in need through peer support groups and programs. This is the place for those 'at risk' and suicidal. I will share my years of this experience in later posts. 



Hidden Depression

From my late twenties, my depression became clever. It hid behind my addictions - mostly smoking and work. I was afraid of my depression and how deep it ran within me. I was aware of my cycles of moods (with the sunlight) and I had my techniques to cope (working). But I accepted that my life had no purpose and I was going to merely exist through it. I would swing from the highs of my life being great with tonnes of energy to socialise, study more and work more…to the lows of hiding from the world in my work, drinking myself to sleep and training at the gym like my body needed punishment. 

This subtle depression hides under the surface of many people I meet. We may not even know that we are suffering and think we have recovered. These people smile, are bubbly, and have amazing families and jobs, yet there is a lost and empty place in their eyes. There are critical and perfectionist tones weaving under their words, projecting an energy of self-hate. It saddens me to see this in people yet it excites me too. Why? 

The epidemic of mental health is the awakening of our consciousness evolvement. Mental health issues are about our connection to spirituality at a metaphysical level. This means that as more people heal from their mental health issues the higher the vibrations we raise in the universe and our collective conscious evolution. We are awakening with the building evidence that mind-body-spiritual practices and conscious living can help heal people. Embrace your journey and give yourself permission to heal, so your positive energy can help shift Earth. 


If you feel that you are ready to rediscover your bright light and transform your life, take a look at my Luminous Life journey.






First published on on 22 MARCH 2018


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