Often when we are injured or unwell, there can be a feeling of impatience or discontent at the desire to be recovered or healed. A focus on a return to the status quo before x happened’ is a fallacy. The longer the duration or more serious the period of ‘poorer health’ the greater its impact on our lives, and the less that we will return to what was before because we have been given the opportunity to grow and become more from the situation. The body is always aging and healing, so there is never a ‘return to before’, simply an expansion or contraction of our soul and life experience.

The Reflection

On my return from Central America, many asked if I am now healed from my head injury. As my dad said to me, "The doctors said if you weren't fully healed by 18 months you'd never fully heal". The psychometric tests considered me ‘healed’ by 2 years yet the illusion of my injury has been that I can 'perform on demand' as I once did as a lawyer, but it takes its toll on my health. To sustain this high level of performance I suffer more migraines, nausea, dizziness, insomnia, anxiety, and moodiness. I had to accept that what is ‘recovered’ according to medical professionals is not my recollection of myself prior to the accident. 

Even five years on, I still notice cognitive differences from pre-injury. The aphasia (word muddling) has remained, some spatial awareness in wayfinding has returned and my nervous system can still be re-traumatized with sound to an inability to follow my thoughts and manage my emotions, feeling low

WHAT AM I HEALING FROM?

I believe that there is always a residue of any major trauma or illness in the body, to remind you not to go back to the old habits and keep the learnings active in your life. We are served our specific lesson to grow out from rather than endure Ground Hog day for life. This perspective brought me to the realization that after three and a half years post injury I would never heal if I didn't truly learn the lessons of the injury. 

What were these lessons? I’m driven. Efficient and organized which makes me reliable to get things done. A creative problem solver. Quick thinking and nicknamed ‘Speedy Spjut’ during my Masters.  A workaholic. What was this in aid of? Where have I been going with this drive since a child? 

A head injury or concussion is metaphysically a lack of connection to your spiritual self. From 7 years old I suffered depression, at 10 I had meningitis, in my 20s I began to suffer from anxiety, and then at 24, I had my first head injury, and at 31 my largest head injury. These are all 'head' or 'mental health illnesses. My relationship with my mind was imbalanced. I am not alone in these struggles nor the challenge of living in my mind, connected to my body for fitness, and lacking time for my emotional well-being. 

The head is our connection to our deeper self, our inner wisdom, true voice, and spiritual connection with the universe. Sometimes the mind has lost control of its thoughts that race free, which creates isolation that misses the expansive and interconnectedness available when we learn to observe our thoughts. It seemed that throughout my life my body had been calling me to see how disconnected I have been from my true Self, the powerful moments when I chose my fear or listening to others, rather than following my intuition. 

WHAT HEALING WAS NEEDED?

Although not raised religiously, I was always taught Christian values through my education and American-English culture. Subconsciously a key lesson was that I only get to heaven if I prove in my current life to be a ‘good person. I had learned this as people pleasing – I did not deserve my life unless I justified it with a greater life purpose demonstrated through self-sacrifice. I understood that religion (aka spirituality) was brainwashing and lacked evidential basis, only reality on this earth as witnessed by the five senses was true. This left me living my life with a belief that I did not deserve to exist and had to prove my worth by sacrificing myself to benefit others. 

People pleasing is a great deal of not speaking your voice. People pleasing is permission for others to invade your personal well-being. People pleasing disconnects listening to your true Self from this one living day to day. You make choices that deliver effort, hard work, conflict, and struggle to your life. Without that greater connection to yourself, there is only you, little you, your ego, that drives you forward. The ego that tells you that life is a struggle, and poor you; is a cycle of perpetual suffering. Suffering creates drama so that we can connect through an interesting story to share. 

I was bored of my life drama(s). I thought that I never sought drama, but my drive, lack of self-worth, and perpetual egoic fight perpetuated the dramas I experienced reinforcing a subconscious loop of ‘victim’saviour-martyr’. I did not see or understand this – I knew that I asked a great deal from my life and saw this as the price that I paid. There is no good without bad: there is always a cost. The choice to move away from my old life shifted my perspective of myself and how I choose to live my life. This was a constant choice I had to reaffirm throughout each day at every level. 

My Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor in London suggested I leave to heal, “Some things cannot heal where we are, we must go abroad, Nid” he said several times. In my travels, I could see myself and my choices differently. In Costa Rica, I found peace. In Nicaragua, I met space for Grace and on my return to Costa Rica, I met my Self-worth. All of these gave me my voice and Self.

AM I HEALED?

I will never be the person I was before my head injury. The residue of my injury is a sign that I am drifting away from my true Self. That I am falling back to the Nid I was before my injury. My choice is to accept that these are signs of a disconnected Nid. My accident was a gift to me. A gift of grace to find my spiritual self. To connect and express my inner true voice. To put me on the path of my life that I became lost in at the age of 7 years old. 

Those previous health lessons did not get me back on track, but now I have begun skipping down my yellow brick road. The Land of Oz is my spiritual journey home, the journey for my life to enjoy and explore as my experience. I am healed far beyond the reach of my head injury. My soul has been healed from 28 years of hiding from my true Self. Those concussion signs are my flags of coming off the yellow brick road. Pain and suffering connect me with my true self. I thank them when they show up, my gift from myself to stay aligned and healed.

My life is aligned to my soul’s path for this life now. I consciously choose to decide in a way that aligns to my self-expression. When I see how much I transformed my life from who I was before, I am beyond healed and really vibrantly alive. Yes, there may be different ways I have adapted my daily life and some signs that keep me aligned, yet I see myself as healed.

HEALING

Many of us focus on the physical or mental suffering when injured or sick. We action our healing with treatment(s) and steps. Some healers tell me that they want to see people ‘perfect’ and I always reply that “To keep remnants of an illness is perfect as someone is supposed to be for the life that they are here to live”. 

This approach is open to each of us in these moments, but it is a conscious choice that only the individual can make. Emotions must be felt and the nervous system healed from the trauma of the experience, but then the individual must make a choice - to accept what is and use it for the best life available in the present moment. 

My lesson was not to ‘act on my healing but to release, and go inside deep through layers of myself – my body, my mind, my relationships, my connections with others, the world, and myself. I peeled open my core, met my fears, and with them my joy. This is not the same for us all, as some may have a lesson of learning to take assertive action for their wellbeing. The responsibility of someone in a healing process is to take full ownership of their choices, acceptance, and healing blessings.

If you want support on your path from healing, then connect with me to see how I can support your body, mind, and spirit with a free 30-minute Clarity Call.

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First published www.omegamovement.co.uk 26 April 2017.